Well, I managed to finally put the whole thing together and launch my campaign on Indiegogo. After feeling frustrated for a week plus, particularly this past weekend, I should have felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

Instead, I have this feeling of dread, anger, and an overwhelming sense of impending doom. It’s been one whole day, and I somehow feel worse about this whole thing than I had when this idea first came to mind.

Maybe it was the utter stupidity of making it a Facebook event and trying to be myself and funny at the same time, while getting DECLINES within 24 hours.

It feels like I really am an asshole for sticking my neck out there and asking for something big when it’s my instinct not to. It’s not good, and I don’t know how to fight it.

Two weeks ago, I said I’ve never felt a fire in myself before. Now, I’m afraid that I’ll be burned alive and I can’t stop it from happening.

I have WAY too many thoughts in my head at this hour. Not the least of which is involving me banging out words on my keyboard at this time of night when I should probably be sleeping. Thoughts, feelings, worries, the self imposed inability to follow up on things and to not waste the potential that I’ve apparently had for 27 years or so. Where do I begin?

Problem 1. IIIIIIIII AIN’T GOT NO MOOOOOOOOONEY. Of the “can’t pay bills cuz you’re too far behind” variety. Crappy job A is a shit job for a few hours a day, 5 days a week. This makes it FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to collect unemployment. Would I be able to collect if I quit? Probably not, which makes it much worse knowing that I could actually have a bit more money by NOT having a job. (I don’t even consider it a job. It’s more like punishment.)

Problem 2. LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE. This is a big one, but thankfully a problem that’s currently being worked on. Aside from money problems, these past 12 months, particularly the past few weeks, have really been the best I’ve ever felt. (I completely attribute that to the awesome people that I’ve surrounded myself with.) Unfortunately, this leads to…

Problem 3. DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS. The ULTRA HUGE GIANT MEGA change is that I want to become a life coach. (There’s been a big inspiration for that. Probably since she’s my coach. And she’s awesome.) I also want to become a photographer too, but I think that will all come in due time. Can you guess what becoming a life coach needs? 

If you guessed “Money,” come up and claim your prize for something I don’t currently have yet.

The idea to solve that third problem (you know, for training) is to set up an Indiegogo campaign. Of course, it’s not for a finished product with no immediate tangible results, and I know it will take a while for everything to flesh out. Oh, hey, do you think there’ll be another problem associated with all this?

Problem 4: EDITING. I, unfortunately, am NOT an editor. (With the exception of photo editing. Video is right out.) I have to set up a video for this campaign, and without the aid of editing, or a fucking CAMERA, we’re going WEBCAM. It’s going to look like a 2012 version of “Night Trap” but with hopefully better acting/speaking ability. The final quandary? I have a pretty good idea of what I want to say, except I have no fucking clue as to how I should say it. That’s the most frustrating thing of all…being your own biggest obstacle. I should be used to that (because, honestly, we all have this problem) but it’s something that I want to change.

I just could use a little bit of guidance to clear my head.